Reason #19 that kids are awesome*

  

 

*this story is real. let’s talk about the crush I had on on the oldest boy in 3 ninjas, 20 years ago.

No Soliciting

I don’t answer the door. I have even been known to pretend I don’t hear it, drop to the floor, and crawl stealth like to the window to close the blinds slowly….. even when children are screaming in the background.

My children, however, answer the door should the wind perchance to blow.

Here is the thing: The people that I would LET in? Know not to come over without calling.

So when my kids answered the door, and a very nice looking young gentleman was standing on my porch steps, I died a little inside.

The very nice looking young gentlemen who come to my house are always “trying to make a better life for themselves” and are usually former something or others. They don’t want donations, because they are trying to WORK and EARN their living, and they don’t want a handout. They WOULD very much like to sell you a subscription to a magazine. Or maybe some sort of cleaner. Or, you know, something else entirely.

And I? I just want to get my kids back inside, and get the gentleman off my porch, and pretend that it all never happened.

So when the nice young gentleman began to begin his memorized speech, I interrupted him. I said, “Are you selling something or looking for donations or what? Because I have nothing to give you. I have no money.”

And usually at this time, they begin to tell me that you can “buy now and pay later” but THIS TIME, my kids jumped in.

“Yeah, she has NO MONEY. She spent it all on her medicine.”

“Yeah, my mom has to go to the doctor all the time.”

“My mom has polka dots on her BRAIN!”

“And she even has to give herself SHOTS in the STOMACH!”

“Yeah, and her brain doctor guy has TOYS in his office!”

“And the ‘nother doctor has puzzles… of your GUTS!”

And the nice young gentleman was listening to my children as what can only be described as abject horror as they detailed the different symptoms that I joyfully experience each day. 

And then this nice young gentleman apologized to ME.

“Oh Ma’am, I’m so sorry. That sounds,” looks around in panic, “Uh, yes, well…. I’ll just, you know…. I’m so sorry ma’am.”

And then the nice young gentleman politely excused himself and exited from my street without looking back.

And then I came back in the house and gave all of my kids a candy bar.

Best. Day. Ever.

“It will only hurt a bit”

I’m not typically a queasy person, but this new “phase” that I’m in, where I’m continually poked and prodded with sharp objects, has been giving me slight anxiety attacks.

For example, the day before my lumbar puncture, I couldn’t breathe, and I felt like I had spiders crawling up and down my spine. Of course, it’s my own fault for trying to mentally prepare myself before hand, and “read up” on what was going to happen. Then it was like a bad train wreck where I didn’t want to read the side effects and reactions, but I couldn’t NOT know either.

IT IS COMPLETELY RUINING THE INTERNET FOR ME.

Then today, I had another appointment, and I wasn’t sure whether or not they were going to do a biopsy or not.  Of course, being myself, I had to read up on that particular type of biopsy where I discovered that they don’t just poke you once or twice, oh no, they do it between 4 and 6 times. Which means that I will have a needle going in to my neck MORE THAN ONCE.  I was positively beside myself, because even though it SAYS it won’t hurt, I have taken to not trusting anyone.

Also: When they say, it’s not going to hurt, it’s just going to be like a little bee sting, I always wonder, have you ever actually been STUNG by a bee? Because that crap hurts. I would even venture to say that a bee sting hurts more than a scorpion sting, and I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT, because I have been stung by both. And at least with a scorpion, wherever you were stung has the good grace to go numb. Bee stings STING and ITCH and are very unpleasant.

At any rate, TODAY I just had some ultrasounds and got new meds, so it’s like I had an anxiety attack for nothing.  Which is annoying to think that I wasted all that good time worrying and “researching” when I could have been watching television.

But next week, I get to get stuck in the neck a couple of times, so I am planning on taking some really amazing drugs just about 30 minutes before my appointment. When I don’t punch the doctor in the face, I’m sure he’ll thank me for my efforts.

Do not get multiple autoimmune diseases. Okay? DON’T DO IT.

I had my lumbar puncture yesterday. It was horrible and awful and I will tell you all about it when I can talk about it without shuddering.

After the procedure, there’s a 20% chance that you will have a spinal headache.

Naturally, I had a headache.

A pounding headache that was helped slightly better by a prescription for vicodin.

Except that I don’t really do well with painkillers in general, and would almost prefer the searing pain to the motion sicknessy, going to throw up RIGHT NOW feeling that hangs at the back of my throat.

Of course, I didn’t have the option to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself because I had yet another appointment with yet another doctor, and I am starting to wish I was either A) a millionaire or B) broke enough to qualify for state health care. This whole “middle class” thing with specialist co-pays is for the birds.

(Please send donations.)

At the appointment this afternoon, I was told the same thing that I’ve been told by everyone else, except that this time, they’re going to run more specialized blood tests. He is thinking that I FOR SURE have UCTD (undifferentiated connective tissue disease), possibly scleroderma, and still also possibly lupus. But we need to run the tests again, because my numbers were so high, that he wants to be sure I didn’t have a false positive.  I mean, pffht, my numbers were only 32 times higher than normal.

OH! I almost forgot! I officially have Raynaud’s Disease too. HOW FUN IS THAT?

And since you would treat lupus and UCTD the same way, I’m having a trial run of steroids starting next week. And if I can tolerate the steroids, then that means, that I’ll do just fine on the real medicine that they use for whatever disease they decide I have next.

Guys: I do NOT recommend having multiple autoimmune diseases.

ALSO: There are going to be DRASTIC changes made to the diets of everyone who lives in my house, because I’m the mom! And I make all the rules! And the food!

Of course, my day was made much better by coming home and discovering ants EVERYWHERE in my house.

And by better, I mean so. much. worse.

Do ants make you feel like a dirty slob of a person, or is that just me?

And do you have a favorite Raw/Vegan/Vegetarian blog that I should be reading?

Email is my Preferred Method of Communication

I am a horrible phone talker person. As are a lot of my friends. However, we are AWESOME at emailing, so I’m going to share some of the email snippets that make my days delightful. YOU KNOW YOU WISH YOU WERE MY EMAIL FRIEND. (Which, incidentally, you could be, if, you know, you emailed me.)

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Don’t move. Moving is evil.

Did you just say you have a soft nut sack? You should get that looked at.

Kids that can read are obnoxious.

I'll have to be whisked away to Johnny's house where I'll have to explain how I'm very selective of my man-slaves and he just doesn't fit the six-pack ab requirement, and then after that I'll probably eat some expensive chocolate. 

for the love of all that is holy, JUST TALK ALREADY

Are you kids reading over your shoulder? SHAME ON YOU CHILDREN. (Are they ashamed now? I can’t see.)

my 5 year old JUST RIGHT NOW came up the stairs and is standing by me naked with floss stuck in his ear.  HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN?

I have problems - you know, aside from the usual mental ones.

FYI: if you puke for 120 miles you will sound like you're a smoker for the next week.

Even though I am pretty incredible, I have a really hard time putting my awesomeness into words

We’re the stomach flu capital of the world.

Muchas Gracias. Buenos Tardes. Nachos. Rico Suave.

No offense but that's awful.

DO YOU LIKE ALL MY EMAILS?

I like your brain.

Here's a new thread for you. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Who freaking knows. She's dumb. SUPER dumb.

You make me want to cry happy little hormonally imbalanced tears.

I'm a good you.

Our evil plan is working then. You know, the one where we just make fun of people all day and then we become rich and famous by default.

Just in case you ever wondered why *I* am so wonderful, I'm sending you my cousin's Christmas card.

Ummm my husband just won an ipad. The church is true.

Elisa wants to help. She's good and bossing people around.

I understand that SHE is a non-profit, but I am NOT a non-profit or a moron.

If I just show this video to my oldest, will it get me out of having the sex talk with her?

Having babies is disgusting, and I don’t want to hear about it… by the way, CONGRATS ON YOUR PREGNANCY. Now don’t tell me anything else. shudder.

You are dumber than I thought. Good thing I love you anyways.

That is all for now.

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No really, that is all.

For the record…

My "love language" is teasing.

If I love you, I make fun of you.

If I don’t make fun of you, it’s because you are annoying to me.

Bottom line: YES, this is a REAL BLOG and I REALLY DO make fun of the people that live with me…. AND THEY LIKE IT.

(probably because they’re awesome.)

Sometimes, I even tell the shortlings that I’m going to string them up by their toenails and pluck out their nose hairs with the pliers…

Then they laugh.

It’s horrible, I know.

HORRIBLY AWESOME.

Little Known Fact

Every time it rains, I crave ice cream.