August 20, 2011

No Soliciting

I don’t answer the door. I have even been known to pretend I don’t hear it, drop to the floor, and crawl stealth like to the window to close the blinds slowly….. even when children are screaming in the background.

My children, however, answer the door should the wind perchance to blow.

Here is the thing: The people that I would LET in? Know not to come over without calling.

So when my kids answered the door, and a very nice looking young gentleman was standing on my porch steps, I died a little inside.

The very nice looking young gentlemen who come to my house are always “trying to make a better life for themselves” and are usually former something or others. They don’t want donations, because they are trying to WORK and EARN their living, and they don’t want a handout. They WOULD very much like to sell you a subscription to a magazine. Or maybe some sort of cleaner. Or, you know, something else entirely.

And I? I just want to get my kids back inside, and get the gentleman off my porch, and pretend that it all never happened.

So when the nice young gentleman began to begin his memorized speech, I interrupted him. I said, “Are you selling something or looking for donations or what? Because I have nothing to give you. I have no money.”

And usually at this time, they begin to tell me that you can “buy now and pay later” but THIS TIME, my kids jumped in.

“Yeah, she has NO MONEY. She spent it all on her medicine.”

“Yeah, my mom has to go to the doctor all the time.”

“My mom has polka dots on her BRAIN!”

“And she even has to give herself SHOTS in the STOMACH!”

“Yeah, and her brain doctor guy has TOYS in his office!”

“And the ‘nother doctor has puzzles… of your GUTS!”

And the nice young gentleman was listening to my children as what can only be described as abject horror as they detailed the different symptoms that I joyfully experience each day. 

And then this nice young gentleman apologized to ME.

“Oh Ma’am, I’m so sorry. That sounds,” looks around in panic, “Uh, yes, well…. I’ll just, you know…. I’m so sorry ma’am.”

And then the nice young gentleman politely excused himself and exited from my street without looking back.

And then I came back in the house and gave all of my kids a candy bar.

Best. Day. Ever.