January 15, 2018

Long time....

It's been awhile.

We've had so much stuff going on, that it's been almost impossible to find any time to spare for writing. Which is a problem, because writing usually helps to calm my brain and focus me. Instead, I've been juggling life, and dropping the ball.

I recently gave up Dr. Pepper. It is my favorite vice, but it is not good for me. So I stopped. I just decided, and that was that. I haven't even had a headache or sugar withdrawal this time. I think this is because God knew that if I got even the slightest headache, I would give up. I need everything in my life to be easy right now. Especially since I have LOST my planner. You know, the little book that I carry everywhere, that has all our appointments inside. It's especially awful this morning because we have an appointment with a new doctor, and I can't find the address. I know the CITY.  I know the TIME. But I don't know the WHO or the WHERE EXACTLY. This means that I've been doing a general google hunt, but I can't remember the name of the practice, and there are quite a few of these doctors around.

Also, we have 9 a.m. church this year. Hallelujah. There were a lot of bodies at church yesterday. I don't know if it's because it's the first of the year, or if it's because of the time. There were a lot more babies than usual. Our old time was 1-4 p.m., which is basically NAP TIME.

The school term just ended. (Why it ended after winter break, I know not.) Thaddeus and Blayne had a rough week last week, because they have been slacking MAJORLY in school. And thus, we have new screen time rules. They hate the rules. I don't care. They hate that I don't care. And I still don't care. So that's been fun.

In other news, my resolution for the year is to get UP and READY for the day, every day. So far, so good. I've only missed one day, and I'm okay with that. My other goal is to lose a little weight, but I'm doing baby steps to that. First baby step was the Dr. Pepper. Next baby step is to up the protein.

And that's all for now. I guess I do have a sort-of resolution to keep up with the blog more. But I can't commit to that many things at once.

October 24, 2017


Lately I've been driven to distraction.

I think it's a sign that my brain needs better drugs. My family has for sure noticed. Troy even asked me about it last night. Except my brain was answering faster than my mouth was, so my words were slurred, and I kept tripping over the words, and then I forgot what I was saying in the first place, and then something else happened.... I think. I don't quite remember.

What I'm trying to say is that I guess I should probably schedule some stinking doctor appointments, and then GO to said appointments so my meds can be monitored and adjusted and all that. Especially since something is definitely OFF.

Plus, I need a referral to a surgeon. And my kids need appointments too. There's just a lot of phone calls I need to make, and I hate making phone calls... Okay, let me revise. I hate calling speciality doctor offices because there is a whole lot of information I have to verify before I even bother to make an appointment, which then won't happen for another 4-6 months. It's just madness.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck at home waiting for a repairman today. Our fridge died whilst we were in California. It was such a lovely aroma to come home to. #not.

I had more thoughts, but I can't think of them, because my brain is broke. SO FUN!

September 17, 2017


I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Now usually, thinking turns into over-thinking, which turns into obsessing, followed by the burn-out. Isn't it so lovely that I have finally begun to understand myself? Naturally, this "Ah-Ha" moment will trigger more reflection and THUS THE CYCLE BEGINS. Or ends. Not really sure when something like that starts, and now I have THAT thought thrown into the mix. I tell you what...

Anyhow, I have been doing a lot of thinking about myself and how my life is going to affect my children in the future. I think that this sort of personal reflection always follows the death of a loved one. You remember them, and you can almost reach out and touch those few critical interactions that tied and bound your relationship together. As I've thought about Kathy, I've been remembering her physical limitations, especially these last few years. And it's made me wonder, what kind of grandmother will I get to be?

Most of the time, I don't pay much attention to my disease. But then, there is a today.

Today was Saturday. (Or I guess it's technically Sunday now, but I haven't been to bed, so it doesn't count.) Today was Install Shower Wall Tile Day. Fifteen years ago, Troy and I could tile anything. He worked as an apprentice tiler, and I was his trusty sidekick. I have laid thousands and thousands of square feet of tile. Troy's laid even more. Now, wall tile is tricky. Wall tile is even more tricky when the bathroom wall is in the wrong place, and there is now an inch and three quarters shelf on the back end of the tub. However, we found a solution, everything is ship shape, we are READY TO BEGIN.

Now, Troy and I are a pretty good team. I install ground zero, make sure that first row of tile is nice and level. I mark the tiles, Troy cuts the tiles, I install the first row or two, and then we switch. Why the switch? Troy is better with the trowel, whereas I am better with a tile saw. Unfortunately, we are working on the basement bathroom. Which means there is a lot of up and down the stairs. And yes, I have four kids who should be helping. But you know what? They hooked up a wagon to the back of the riding mower, and were cruising the streets, giving kids rides. So I tromped up and down the stairs until my tromp done broke. So we had to switch jobs again. And Troy is a trooper. He just WORKS. Guys, if there is ONE THING I want my kids to learn from their dad, it is persistence. Persistence and hard work pay off eventually; even if it's just for yourself! Knowing that you put forth your best effort is all that matters. Anyways.

We have again switched jobs. I am now marking and installing tiles, Troy is running up and down stairs to cut and deliver. Children are still MIA. Guys, today KILLED ME DEAD. My vision started to go wonky, accompanied by the glorious metallic tang in my mouth. My spasms are freaking crazy, and I am losing my words.

And because I have lost my words, and because I can't explain how I need a tile cut, and I'm trying to show you, but you're not understanding, because I make NO SENSE. And Troy is patiently waiting for me. And he's trying to help me find the words to explain. And he's telling me, "Honey, it's okay. We'll figure it out." And it's a goddamn piece of tile.

And I hate it.

And I hate that when we were helping to go thru Kathy's things, that there were boxes and boxes of medical supplies and equipment. There were dozens of bottles of pills and tonics. And I knew what they all were. And I was grateful that I could take them home with me, because I'm an expensive person, with expensive habits. And I hate that I know what she felt like before she died; that I know exactly where she was hurting, and how much.

And as I was staring into my husband's face, and he was looking up at me with his signature wry grin, just happy that I was helping, I just... I don't know. It's like, I have a rush of images and I'm just following along life's little thread, and I get flashes of what life might be. At what point do I stop having "relapses" and just have lapses?

I mean, even this house, this wonderful, glorious, house, was picked out specifically because it's disabillity friendly, and there's enough room for me to put in a ramp. I mean, who the hell goes house shopping thinking, Gosh! this door is super wide! It is definitely ADA compliant. And Whoa Over There! That front walkway is PERFECT for converting stairs to ramps!

So yeah, that's me. Tiling a bathroom, pushing way past my limits, knowing full well that I'm already spiraling down into the black abyss that is Caroline's basic functionality as a human being. And then I think, when my kids grow up, and they get married, and have babies, will I be able to tell them I love them? Because I'm losing my words. And if I tell them a million times between now and then, will it be enough? Will they remember? Will they KNOW that even though I'm lost inside, and that I'm trapped in my body, that I will always be there to anchor them? I just need them to know.