DID YOU KNOW….

That sometimes when they run a whole gamut of blood tests on you, that one of the tests is called a DRVVT?

And that DRVVT stands for dilute russell’s viper venom time?

And that this is Russell’s Viper?

source

And from what I understand, which let’s be honest, is not much, is that BASICALLY they want to see if my blood can CLOT after being mixed with the venom.

Which, HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! IT DOESN’T!

Of course, I could be totally wrong about all of that, because, like I said, DON’T KNOW MUCH.

BUT! My thyroid tumor is benign. Amen.

“It will only hurt a bit”

I’m not typically a queasy person, but this new “phase” that I’m in, where I’m continually poked and prodded with sharp objects, has been giving me slight anxiety attacks.

For example, the day before my lumbar puncture, I couldn’t breathe, and I felt like I had spiders crawling up and down my spine. Of course, it’s my own fault for trying to mentally prepare myself before hand, and “read up” on what was going to happen. Then it was like a bad train wreck where I didn’t want to read the side effects and reactions, but I couldn’t NOT know either.

IT IS COMPLETELY RUINING THE INTERNET FOR ME.

Then today, I had another appointment, and I wasn’t sure whether or not they were going to do a biopsy or not.  Of course, being myself, I had to read up on that particular type of biopsy where I discovered that they don’t just poke you once or twice, oh no, they do it between 4 and 6 times. Which means that I will have a needle going in to my neck MORE THAN ONCE.  I was positively beside myself, because even though it SAYS it won’t hurt, I have taken to not trusting anyone.

Also: When they say, it’s not going to hurt, it’s just going to be like a little bee sting, I always wonder, have you ever actually been STUNG by a bee? Because that crap hurts. I would even venture to say that a bee sting hurts more than a scorpion sting, and I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT, because I have been stung by both. And at least with a scorpion, wherever you were stung has the good grace to go numb. Bee stings STING and ITCH and are very unpleasant.

At any rate, TODAY I just had some ultrasounds and got new meds, so it’s like I had an anxiety attack for nothing.  Which is annoying to think that I wasted all that good time worrying and “researching” when I could have been watching television.

But next week, I get to get stuck in the neck a couple of times, so I am planning on taking some really amazing drugs just about 30 minutes before my appointment. When I don’t punch the doctor in the face, I’m sure he’ll thank me for my efforts.

Do not get multiple autoimmune diseases. Okay? DON’T DO IT.

I had my lumbar puncture yesterday. It was horrible and awful and I will tell you all about it when I can talk about it without shuddering.

After the procedure, there’s a 20% chance that you will have a spinal headache.

Naturally, I had a headache.

A pounding headache that was helped slightly better by a prescription for vicodin.

Except that I don’t really do well with painkillers in general, and would almost prefer the searing pain to the motion sicknessy, going to throw up RIGHT NOW feeling that hangs at the back of my throat.

Of course, I didn’t have the option to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself because I had yet another appointment with yet another doctor, and I am starting to wish I was either A) a millionaire or B) broke enough to qualify for state health care. This whole “middle class” thing with specialist co-pays is for the birds.

(Please send donations.)

At the appointment this afternoon, I was told the same thing that I’ve been told by everyone else, except that this time, they’re going to run more specialized blood tests. He is thinking that I FOR SURE have UCTD (undifferentiated connective tissue disease), possibly scleroderma, and still also possibly lupus. But we need to run the tests again, because my numbers were so high, that he wants to be sure I didn’t have a false positive.  I mean, pffht, my numbers were only 32 times higher than normal.

OH! I almost forgot! I officially have Raynaud’s Disease too. HOW FUN IS THAT?

And since you would treat lupus and UCTD the same way, I’m having a trial run of steroids starting next week. And if I can tolerate the steroids, then that means, that I’ll do just fine on the real medicine that they use for whatever disease they decide I have next.

Guys: I do NOT recommend having multiple autoimmune diseases.

ALSO: There are going to be DRASTIC changes made to the diets of everyone who lives in my house, because I’m the mom! And I make all the rules! And the food!

Of course, my day was made much better by coming home and discovering ants EVERYWHERE in my house.

And by better, I mean so. much. worse.

Do ants make you feel like a dirty slob of a person, or is that just me?

And do you have a favorite Raw/Vegan/Vegetarian blog that I should be reading?

My Body Hates Me

I went to the doctor today.

I should probably specify what kind of doctor, since I see so many these days.

ANYWAYS.

I saw my NEUROLOGIST today and he said “blah, blah, blah, more tests, blah, blah, blah” and so on and so forth.

GOOD NEWS: I passed my EVOKE potentials test. Which means that while my limbs may be of little use to me these days, I retain my super sonic hearing abilities and my eyeball nerves are still attached.

MORE GOOD NEWS: I don’t have a lesion ON my spinal cord. Just lots on my brain.

NOT SO GOOD NEWS: I have nodules on my thyroid. Luckily, I already have a endocrinologist on deck, and I just get to make yet another appointment so they can poke me with MORE NEEDLES! Unfortunately, I already TAKE synthetic thyroid hormones, which should prevent the growth of thyroid tissue, which means that I will be having a biopsy at the very least, and a minor neck surgery at the very most, because nodules should most definitely not be growing.  I HEART MY LIFE.

NEWS THAT IS SLIGHTLY RELEVANT TO THE ABOVE: Once, in the year 2008, I had 8 surgeries. And I had growths removed from my colon (gross) that were pre-cancerous. I’m prone to think that the nodules in my thyroid will also be pre-cancerous. Of course, I could be totally wrong. WHO KNOWS ANYMORE.

OTHER NEWS THAT IS NEITHER GOOD NOR BAD: I get to have a lumbar puncture on Thursday. And have a 75% chance of giving joint fluid on Friday. I have to bring a “driver” to both appointments.

OTHER OTHER NEWS: My hair has been thinning recently. (Do you like how I don’t want to say it’s falling out? Because I don’t want to say that…. thinning for the win.) Today I have it up in a ponytail, because it’s hot on my neck, and I have a halo of short little hairs sticking all about. Taylor, our miniature stylist, has offered me her hair services. I politely declined, seeing as how she’s four and terrible with scissors.

And that is my *update* of the day.

And yes, I am using my blog as my personal health journal. Because unlike the notepad that I had, my children can’t rip out the pages and make paper airplanes. Lesson of the day: BLOGGING IS PERTINENT TO YOUR HEALTH.