December 11, 2011


Yesterday I went on errands.

Then I came home and died.

Okay, I didn't really die, because I'm OBVIOUSLY right here, writing this.... OR AM I?

We ended up running in and out of a lot of places, because we were looking for a miniature tree skirt.

We were looking for a miniature tree skirt, because I put FOUR GIFTS out under the tree as an experiment.

The experiment is called, "Let's see if people open presents or not" because I don't trust small children, which is a terrible predicament because I reside in a house with multiple small children.

(Also: Dear Kristy, you know that one question you ask about would you rather have $20 now or $100 tomorrow? I would take the $20. I KNOW. And yet.... That is my answer.)

So, seeing as I live in a house with small children, and seeing as how they have inherited my genetic disposition of being excitable, placing any sort of gift under the tree before Christmas is guaranteed to have incredible results.

And the result was that the little tree accidentally tore three presents open slightly.

Now, not trusting the story, I went with it, and declared that we would go get a baby tree skirt for our baby tree. And, having just been at the dollar store the day before, we decided to get the skirt there.

But they were sold out.

So then we went to another store, and then another one, and then another one still. Because people, I wanted a miniature tree skirt, OR I wanted a big tree skirt that I wouldn't feel badly about cutting up... which means I would have taken any regular sized tree skirt under five dollars.... But they don't make those.

My last resort store was going to be Target. Because I know for a fact that Target carries the tree skirt in the size I like. But I was hopeful that at least one of the stores that are between my home and Target would have something useful. But they didn't. Which is why I usually just go to Target in the first place. I'm getting distracted.

What we DID find at each store was cheap candy canes.

I like to buy candy canes in bulk. But not peppermint ones, those are gross.

I like CHERRY candy canes. But they have to be a particular kind of cherry candy cane, because if you get the wrong ones, it's like you're eating cough syrup. And if that was what I wanted, I would have taken a swig of benadryl from my medicine cabinet. But I didn't, because that's the gross cherry flavor.

AT ANY RATE: Four score and several hours later, we arrived back at home, with a tree skirt and delicious candy canes, and then Blayne says, "Mom. I want to tell you the truth about the presents."

At which point I wanted to spin around and say, "AH-HA!" while pointing a finger at her. But I refrained and just said, "Oh yeah?"

And then the truth about the gifts came out: "We tried to open them a little bit.... but you put everything in boxes! And you taped them shut and we couldn't see!"

Which concludes our scientific experiment and confirms my hypothesis on gifts and small children. They are not to be trusted.