January 11, 2010

Anniversaries

I know I've been a bit absent lately.

reading, writing, commenting... the whole bit.

Truth is, I had a hard week.

It's not often that I'm at a loss for words.

But you see, January Seventh came.

It came. And then it went. 

And January the seventh marked the one year anniversary of my hysterectomy.

I thought I would be fine. I thought the day would be just like any other.

Turns out, I was wrong.

I still don't know how I feel about the whole thing.

Of course, I'm grateful that I'm still here.

Grateful that I'm not in pain.

But I'm confused.

Am I considered infertile? maybe.

Barren? definitely.

But it's just that those words are more in tune with another definition. One that I don't fit in to at all.

Infertility implies trying. Trying and not getting anywhere.

I was the complete opposite of that.

I mean, I AM infertile... now. I recognize that.

It's just that I don't think that's my personal definition.

Of course, I don't think there is a one word definition for a girl that had a hysterectomy at the age of twenty six.

Twenty. Six.

It feels like a lifetime ago.

Because I had options. I had choices.

And now, at twenty seven, my life is pretty much planned out.

It's set.

Sure, some things will change, they always do.


But BIG things, exciting life changing things... those are gone.

I still don't know how to eloquently dodge the questions I get whenever I meet somebody new.

"So, four kids! Gonna have another one?"

No. No I'm not.

"Oh, well, you never know!"

Yes you do. I know. We're done.

"Sometimes things surprise you!"

And sometimes they don't.

It's not that I'm sad.

I realize how blessed I am.

I have four great kids.

A husband who loves me.

A home of my own.

And my faith.

But every now and then, the resentment creeps in.

Why me? I ask.

I'm still putting those puzzle pieces together.

Sorting through my life, trying to make it all fit.

The only thing I know,

The only thing that comforts me,

Is that He has a plan.

And He must know something I don't.

23 comments:

  1. Wow. You are an awesome writer.
    I am happy that He has a plan for me as well. If I didn't know that much, I would oh so lost.
    Hang in there. ;)

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  2. Maybe just maybe you are supposed to do something even better...maybe adopt, maybe 4 is just your number here on earth, I know that I didn't want any kids before I got married and now I wouldn't change having the kids I have. I think that your plan will come to you soon and you will see "why you" I hope your week gets better and you can think about the kids you have and not the kids you could've had. I think you are a great person (from what I have seen on FB) and things will work out for you.

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  3. I think I kinda know how you're feeling. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. And although I have come to terms with it (many times) and I have a great life, each year on June 6 I have a hard time. Even after 15 years.

    When something happens that so strongly affects your life and your perception of yourself, it's not something that can just be forgotten. I grieve for the life and body that I had planned. But it doesn't define me. And the absence of a uterus does not define you. But it's okay to grieve. And if your grieving process involves a date night and some extra TLC, even better.

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  4. so you so should have heard the lesson in Sunday school yesterday. What I got out of it was that we all have a purpose her and what is our purpose. It was great, you should ask dad guy about it.

    Hey I would love to be 27 and done having kids. I still want more kids and I'm going to be 35 sometime in the next year or two (can't remember my age)

    Know you can enjoy the growing up years of your kids and don't have to worry about diapers to much.

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  5. I love your blog! Your wit and sense of humor makes me smile whenever I read. I stumbled upon your blog a while back ( I accidentally clicked it from your sis-in-law's) and have been blog stocking ever since, but I couldn't not comment on this one.

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. You see we have been trying for our first child for almost 2 years. Sometimes (more like MOST times) I think "why me? Why us?" and I think of it a lot more on birthdays and holidays and when I hold one my friend's brand new babies. And the only thing that gets me thru is the same that you said, my faith that He knows my pain and must have a plan for my future.

    I appreciate your words and your courage to put gem out in the world for all who cares to see.

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  6. I am so very glad you posted this.

    I love your honesty, love that you are so completely real about how you feel.

    I hope this week you feel a little better.

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  7. You have four amazing, wonderful, beautiful children. For anyone to ask if you'll have more is absolutely rude and inappropriate.

    As for how you're feeling, I don't think there's anything I can say that will make you feel better. Only, that I know you'll find your way through this and come out stronger.

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  8. Thank goodness for His plan. Faith and trust.

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  9. March 26, 2005 (age 28) was the day I lost my last baby and my ability to bear any more children. That day comes and goes, and I just have to stay home because it is so painful. I don't know what the purpose of it all was. Why the baby and my fertility? Why let the pregnancy get so far only to rip it away from me. Again.
    All I know is that in the depths of my despair, I have more than once felt warm arms around me as I cried alone in my closet. We are known and loved, and He knows our sorrows intimately. Knowing that helps me move forward with a measure of peace.

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  10. I am so sorry. You must be in a great deal of pain. I hope that this upcoming week is better.

    Right now you are in mourning. Remember that. It is okay to feel down and sad. It is okay to feel angry.

    I am thinking about you.

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  11. Feb. 14, 2007 is the day I had my hysterectomy. I hadn't been able to have any children. It really changed how I defined myself and my life. But I found that the Lord gives us the BEST thing for us. And even though it hurts, if we just change our perspective, it can make things easier. For instance, I have found that I can better love and serve the people in my ward with my limitations since I can't have kids. Maybe you would have trouble with this blog if you had more kids. Who knows? Just remember that the Lord loves you and gives you the VERY BEST THINGS -- not just 'okay' stuff.

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  12. Sorry that was such a difficult day for you. I'm sure you've seen the movie UP- hopefully you liked it? What I liked about that movie was the idea of how life can be such a wonderful adventure even if it isn't how we want.

    (and that is from my perspective as a 41 yo w/no husband/no kids)

    I hope the joy in your 4 kids will be magnified and that you will have much happiness!

    And this part where you wrote:

    ***************
    And now, at twenty seven, my life is pretty much planned out.

    It's set.

    Sure, some things will change, they always do.


    But BIG things, exciting life changing things... those are gone.

    ***********

    I think there are many ways big, exciting/life-changing things can occur, I am sure a plethora of wonderful opportunities and joyful adventrues will come your way in your journey in life!

    saying that, sending hugs!

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  13. Believing that He has a Plan that includes what will bring me joy, gives me peace. I can trust in His Plan of Happiness, even on my darkest days, when I cannot see the path clearly; trust that His angels are on my left and on my right...and I can lean into that promise when my own strength fails me.
    I hope your path is clear and your faith burns bright this day.

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  14. I'm sorry. It really isn't fair...

    Not that you were saying that life should be fair...but it stinks that it isn't.

    Beautifully written, by the way.

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  15. I am so sorry
    I kinda know what you are going through...our 3rd child was a suprise so we decided to have my tubes tied right after...at 25 i could no longer have kids (without an expensive procedure) and now i totally regret it! now that we have 3 i wish we could have more and i def feel there will be no more exciting changes in our life
    hugs momma

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  16. This is never easy...even when you have NO choice. I had an emergency hysterectomy a week after my youngest daughter was born. No choice at all. Either have it, or bleed to death while in the OR. The decision was made for me. 2 surgeries - intensive care - blood transfusions...the whole bit.

    Yes, at first it was difficult - both physically and emotionally...but after a while, I came to see it as a true blessing in many ways.

    You're feelings are your's and your's alone. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel!

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  17. Oh!! This post just really touched me! I'm "trying" post miscarriage and it is hard and awful but to go through what you did, I'm sure the loss is intense. My thoughts are with you!!! I love your blog!

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  18. I still have a uterus, but putting any more babies in it would be a horribly awful, really bad idea. I know what you mean about the resentment and no more 'big' things. There is nothing more exciting than bringing another spirit into the world, no matter the awfulness of pregnancy or concern of adding another mouth to feed. There's just nothing else that tops it......oh wait, is this helping? No? Yeah, it's been on my mind a lot lately too, and let's say I haven't found my positive angle yet. Let me know if you find one.

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  19. Dear favorite oldER sister of mine. I love you... And you are a stinkin awesome momma. And your kids are my favorite Bingham nieces and nephews. I love them to bits. I miss you and can't wait to see your awesome face! Hopefully we will both have lost some weight by then. the whole no soda thing is pretty overrated if you ask me. Oh well. Love you lots!! Oh and Curtis told me to tell you and your childrens that he is SUPER excited to meet you this summer and will smile just for them! YEAH!

    Berit

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  20. I would have buckets of more kids-- but its just not feasible for me. So, The only thing that gives me comfort is the fact that HE has a plan for me.

    Fantastic post.

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  21. I just had a hysterectomy Dec. 11th. I have had a very hard time coming to terms with this. I think that maybe if I had 3 kids then it wouldn't be so hard. Of course, even if I had 3 kids, I am sure I would still have a hard time with it. I was 29 though when I had my surgery. My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 yrs. So, we had really just began our life together. I do know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I just need to continue to trust in Him.

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  22. I'm sorry you're not at ease with your circumstances. You are blessed to have your beautiful children. When you might want to laugh about hysterectomies, please visit my experience. http://ohmyheck-tic.blogspot.com/2008/06/under-influence-of-pain-killers.html

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