May 18, 2012

It Takes Mad Skills to be this Graceful

Recently, I gave myself a black eye.

i gave myself a black eye

Now, I know you’re wondering how it happened, so I’m going to tell you.

This is because I am a generally nice person and, also, I like to talk about myself.

Besides, I can’t help it if I’m awesome.

i can't help being awesome

Anyways, THIS is the tale of how I gave myself a black eye.

it was a dark and stormy night

It was a dark and stormy night, and I was the only person awake in the house.

I had been watching television, because I like to watch documentaries, and nobody else does, so I do the polite thing and stay up until 3 am.

watching documentaries at night

Since I’m the last one up, I get the pleasure of quadruple checking the locks and turning off all the lights.

This is very big and adult of me, because I actually am a teensy bit afraid of the dark, combined with a gruesome and wicked imagination that has a tendency to get away from me.

I think it’s healthy to be worried about ghosts, and zombies, and serial killers who want to steal your children from their bedroom windows.

killers and zombies are bad

Of course, zombies and hatchets aren’t really related to this story, but I always like to work them in some how. I call it “good storytelling.”

happily never after

Anyway, my documentary was over, and it was time for me to go to bed, so I turned off the lights and began to make my way up the stairs.

Now, this is a little known fact about me, and I don’t know why I do it, but it’s a habit that I can’t seem to break.

When the lights go off at bedtime, I close my eyes.

And it’s always about half-way up the first flight of stairs (stupid townhouses) that I realize my eyes are closed.

And EVERY NIGHT, I remind myself that I can open my eyes, and that walking would be much easier if I looked where I was going.

open your eyes you dope

After I opened my eyes, I made it all the way to my bedroom without incident.

Which is when I found one of my children laying in my spot.

Now, a few years ago, I would have moved the child back to their bed and called it a day. But that was when my children were babies and easily transported.

So now, I’ll just go lay on their bed.

However, this large child is assigned the top bunk, and I am not willing to sleep on the top bunk. Plus, what if it broke because I’m too big and I crushed the other kid in the middle of the night? No… it would be much easier to just go back downstairs and sleep on the couch.

who's that sleeping in my bed

I made my way down the stairs, and remembered that there was a pillow on the floor. So, I began searching with my foot, because my eyes were closed… again.

where is that dumb pillow


Success! I had found it! So I bent over to pick it up.

And smacked my face on the edge of the table.

smacked my head

And that is the story of how I am more graceful than you.