September 18, 2010

Bad Days Happen

You know what sucks?

Not being able to have any kids.

You know what sucks more?

Having NO CHOICE in the whole “no more kids” thing.

You know what sucks the most?

Having people attack you like it’s somehow YOUR FAULT that you can’t have any kids, and having them accuse you of being UNGRATEFUL for your life.

Yeah. You people suck.

Because I AM grateful for the life I have.

Every. Single. Child. in this house is a blessing.

They are loved.

And cared for.

And I can’t imagine my life without them.


I can’t have any more.

It’s a decision that I never got to make.

I always wanted a big family… at least five kids.

Am I infertile? Not in the traditional sense.

I don’t even like to get into that, because it’s a label that doesn’t really fit me and my situation.

Because even though I can’t have kids,

I’m not trying.

There is not point.

Because I don’t have a uterus.

So maybe I’m not infertile.

Maybe I’m barren.

But once again, that definition is generally directed towards people that have all the parts to have children, and they just don’t work.

So I don’t even have that.

I’m in limbo, and most of the time,


But sometimes,

I’m just not.

I don’t have to explain why it’s harder on this day or that.

Sometimes I have bad days.

(Don’t we all)

And emotions were high.

And someone’s really exciting, very good news,

Was like a dagger in my heart.

And my throat constricted.

And the tears fell.

And I said to myself,

As I so often do,

That “my life is good.”

“My life is great!”

The reason that I can tell myself that life is great,

Is because I know the other side.

I wouldn’t be as grateful as I am,

I wouldn’t parent the way I do,

If I didn’t realize this.

If I was truly ungrateful,

I wouldn’t work so hard to stay home with my children.

I wouldn’t appreciate their stubborn streak,

Or their hot-headedness.

I wouldn’t spend my days,

and my nights,

fretting over them.

Praying over them.

Loving them.

I am eternally grateful for the life I lead.

But I’m still allowed to have a bad day.