September 18, 2008

New Beginnings

The best thing about moving is that you get to reinvent yourself. You get to be whoever you want to be, and there's no one to say second guess you. It's the perfect opportunity to be exactly who you want to be... to have a clean slate, a fresh start, no mistakes.

Over the last year or so, my main focus has been getting back to a healthy hormonal balance. Particularly in regards to my thyroid. It's been a long road, filled with lots of blood draws and needle pricks, but in the last 6 months, my hormone levels have finally started to show a consistency.... That's a first.

My medications have been all over the place while we tried to find a pattern, tried to find the appropriate dose, tried to find the right supplier so that the actual hormone levels would be consistent. I've been on natural hormones, and synthetic hormones; some that have to be taken while fasting, and others that need to be taken on a full stomach.

It's definitely been a grueling few years for me. I'm finally getting to live my life, no holding back.

I've thrown myself out there. I've joined an aerobics group, I've started reading again, my sewing machine has come out of hiding. I've started cooking again, really cooking! And it's been great.

I haven't had to think about making time for anyone other than me, and my husband, and my children. There hasn't been a function that I've had to show up to, just because it was expected. I haven't had fill any extra roles....

And I'm. So. Happy.

I didn't realize how much stress I was under back home. I was being pulled in so many directions at once, that I never had a second to stop, and just be. And while I loved the busyness, and loved being surrounded with family and friends, it was overwhelming.

This move has been nothing short of fantastic. And I'm so grateful.

I'm grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself. I'm so grateful for my husband, and for his willingness to put us first. I know that leaving was the best thing for me, because I haven't been this happy, or felt this free, in years.

I'm so blessed to have a family that supports us, and for my mother, who understood that I needed to go away, as much as it kills her. I'm blessed to have so many wonderful sisters, that are excited and happy for me, and for my brother, who has turned out to be such a wonderful husband and father. I'm so grateful for my parents, for the lessons they taught, and for the examples they set. I see the way my dad looks at my mom, and I know, thirty years later, that they're more in love with each other now than the day they got started into this whole mess of life, love, and growing up.

I cannot begin to express how much I love Troy, for sticking by me all these years. I know it's been a rough road. I know how hard it was when I was sick, and in and out of hospitals, and you had to do everything. You had to be everything. You proved yourself over and over and over again.

And to my children, my wonderful darling children. I love you so much. I can't believe how fast you're growing up. Thaddeus, my busy busy boy, YOU are a firecracker. I can see how your mind is racing inside, and you're trying to make your words express your imagination. I see you getting frustrated when you can't explain your theories quite right. You're an adventurer. You're a leader. And you shine. You just sparkle.

And Blayne, my sweet girl, I look at you and I see myself. I think that's why we butt heads so much. You're as stubborn as me, and just as opinionated. You have such a beautiful soul. You're wise beyond your years. You're my "little mamma" and you are such a big help. Thank you. You're sensitive, and intuitive, and really truly beautiful. Did you know that? You are. It hurts me to see that words can influence you so much. Because you are a brilliant girl, and nobody should ever make you feel less than perfect. Because you ARE. You are kind, and loving, and giving. You give and give, and still, you have room to give even more. Our family is truly blessed to have a girl like you.

Danny Mack, oh my Danny boy. You? Are a riot. You make me laugh longer, louder and oftener than is fair. You already have such a presence. Be it good, bad, or indifferent, people KNOW who you are, and why you're there. They KNOW they shouldn't mess with the Mackster. I can't believe how funny you are. You're only two, and yet you have the perfect timing of a comedic genius. You don't talk much, but words you speak are clearly thought out, and perfectly executed. You make me smile a million times each day.

And Baby Taylor. You and me, we had a rough start. I was so scared for you. I still have to check on you every night, to make sure you're really here. That you really made it. That you're breathing, and that you're here. I still have nightmares about you. I relive your birth every night when I close my eyes. You came so early, and were so fragile and quiet. And then I didn't get to see you. The doctors just took you away and sent me off in another direction. Your poor little body, just lay there, bruised and broken. You were hooked up to so many machines, and then when I couldn't touch you, it broke my heart. But you made it. And you're here. And you're so perfect and beautiful. And I can't believe that you're here. I know I smother you with hugs and kisses, and you appease me. You sure do appease me, and I think it's because you know I'm still scared for you. I can't wait to see you grow up. I know you'll conquer mountains...

I am so grateful for this life. And for every opportunity I've had, especially the opportunities I'm having now. I'm exactly where I need to be, and I've never been better.

Thank you.