July 12, 2011

It’s All Relative

I once read an article where researchers said that memories are subjective, and your most vivid memories change over time, and that the way you remember something today, will be completely different in a few years.

I remember agreeing, especially when it’s a good memory that you find yourself thinking about a lot. It’s like suddenly seeing new details, that most likely were not there to begin with. It’s the whole “hindsight is 20/20” thing.

At the request of my doctor, I’ve been trying to remember details about all the times I’ve been “sick” the last couple of years. I have to put the word “sick” in quotation marks because it feels dumb to say out loud. I have never been “stressed” in my life, because to me, the word “stress” means “not capable of handling the given situation”. I can handle anything, so NO, doctor knowitall, I am not, in fact, stressed.

I have been instructed to think back, and to try and remember if I’ve ever had an “attack” before.

Again, I have to add quotes, because the concept of attacking does not fit into my life.

Do I feel good all the time? Of course not.

I had four kids in four years.  I was tired all the time. Was that exhaustion different somehow than another person’s? I don’t know. I can’t know, because I am just me, and that is just life as I know it.

I’ve had headaches as long as I can remember. It’s just something that I have come to expect in life. I never thought to take notes about the types of headaches I had, or to record the severity or localization of the pain.

I never thought that being “hot” was abnormal. I grew up in Arizona. Everyone is hot all the time, it’s 120 degrees outside.

So being instructed to remember when I felt sick and how, is silly.

From 2003 until 2009, I felt awful. That’s what I remember. I don’t remember awful HOW, I just remember getting up each day, and doing it anyways.

2010 was hard, but I was working hard, and we were stuck with double mortgages. Of course I felt pressured to perform. How could I not?

I sprained my ankles over and over again, but I’ve never been graceful. Did it seem slightly out of the ordinary? Perhaps. But since it was ME, the clumsy girl who has broken just about every bone in her body, and has been stitched and glued together too many times to count, it wasn’t notable.

So I’ve been reading through my journals, and through my blog postings, and taking lots of notes. But I have to tell you, I’m not getting much out of it, because I never realized that what I felt when I was having a good day, would have been god-awful for someone else.

For instance, today my face is numb, as is my left foot, I have a headache, and I haven’t gotten dressed because it hurts to wear pants…. but I feel good.

Because for me, this IS a good day… it’s all relative.

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