June 30, 2011

Knowing

“I was hoping it was a tumor.”

That’s what he said to me this morning.

No good conversations ever come from that kind of opening.

Last week, he gave me three options. 

  • I had a stroke, 
  • I have a tumor, 
  • I have Multiple Sclerosis.
  • I know it’s not bad. I know it could be so much worse.

    Except that I was sorta really hoping it was a tumor too.

    And that I could have a little surgery and that would be that.

    Instead, my answer is that there is no answer.

    And that it might be years before I have another “attack”

    Except that this isn’t the first “attack” that I’ve had.

    It’s just the first time that it was bad enough that I thought to see a doctor.

    I have lesions…. a lot of lesions.

    It’s why my mouth is numb.

    It’s why my hands and feet go numb.

    It’s why I sometimes fall down.

    It’s why I can’t stand to take hot showers.

    It’s why I get dizzy.

    It’s why I can’t remember things.

    People always tell me I’m so organized, like it’s a compliment.

    I wish I didn’t have to be, because I lose everything all the time.

    It’s why I’m tired all the time.

    It’s why I have the headaches.

    It explains so much, and I’ve known that this was coming.

    I’ve known for more than a year…

    But it’s a tough pill to swallow, and I really wish I could go back to where it was just a thought in my head, instead of a confirmation.

    I would really rather not know.

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