September 18, 2010

Bad Days Happen

You know what sucks?

Not being able to have any kids.

You know what sucks more?

Having NO CHOICE in the whole “no more kids” thing.

You know what sucks the most?

Having people attack you like it’s somehow YOUR FAULT that you can’t have any kids, and having them accuse you of being UNGRATEFUL for your life.

Yeah. You people suck.

Because I AM grateful for the life I have.

Every. Single. Child. in this house is a blessing.

They are loved.

And cared for.

And I can’t imagine my life without them.

HOWEVER.

I can’t have any more.

It’s a decision that I never got to make.

I always wanted a big family… at least five kids.

Am I infertile? Not in the traditional sense.

I don’t even like to get into that, because it’s a label that doesn’t really fit me and my situation.

Because even though I can’t have kids,

I’m not trying.

There is not point.

Because I don’t have a uterus.

So maybe I’m not infertile.

Maybe I’m barren.

But once again, that definition is generally directed towards people that have all the parts to have children, and they just don’t work.

So I don’t even have that.

I’m in limbo, and most of the time,

I’M OKAY WITH THAT.

But sometimes,

I’m just not.

I don’t have to explain why it’s harder on this day or that.

Sometimes I have bad days.

(Don’t we all)

And emotions were high.

And someone’s really exciting, very good news,

Was like a dagger in my heart.

And my throat constricted.

And the tears fell.

And I said to myself,

As I so often do,

That “my life is good.”

“My life is great!”

The reason that I can tell myself that life is great,

Is because I know the other side.

I wouldn’t be as grateful as I am,

I wouldn’t parent the way I do,

If I didn’t realize this.

If I was truly ungrateful,

I wouldn’t work so hard to stay home with my children.

I wouldn’t appreciate their stubborn streak,

Or their hot-headedness.

I wouldn’t spend my days,

and my nights,

fretting over them.

Praying over them.

Loving them.

I am eternally grateful for the life I lead.

But I’m still allowed to have a bad day.

13 comments:

  1. When the Dr. told me no more babies.
    I had 3 and I was 21, I knew he was wrong Surely heavenly father knew I wanted 4 maybe even 5..
    I prayed and prayed.. somehow I couldn't come up with the answer I wanted, needed.
    Heavenly father agreed with the Dr.
    I still cry. My youngest is older than you..

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  2. I look at you and see myself at the beginning of this journey five years ago when I woke up from the nightmare of losing my sixth baby (as in I lost six babies) to find out that I had also lost my fertility.

    I have two kids, and NOBODY gets it like you do. Those around me, even my husband, say the same thing: that I am ungrateful for what I have, and that I am selfish for wanting more.
    I've said it a million times, but if a woman loses her ability to have children, her desire should be taken right along with it. But it is definitely not like that. I don't understand why Heavenly Father sent me down this path, but it totally sucks, and I tell Him so all the time. I am only 33. I've been barren since 28 and endured 10 years of fertility treatments. It's just one kick in the face after another.

    I love my life, but I long for another baby. I'm so glad you get it. I'm so glad someone out there understands me. It makes me feel like I'm not crazy for being so sad at times.

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  3. Well, I think it's alwasy easy to look at what you don't have. Like, why did God let you get in an auto accident, even though there are plenty of other accidents you DIDN'T get into...

    Babies are a funny thing...
    Sorry about my comment before... I didn't know your whole utero-istory. :)

    The beauty is, that there are always plenty of kids to love out there... and while it's not the same sometimes it's better and someone might really need the help.

    I can tell you a million worse stories, if that would make you feel any better {and I'm sure it wouldn't}.

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  4. I can't remember how many times I've said to a friend, or my hubs, or someone... "I just need to be pissed for a bit... giving me a minute to be pissed... then I'll be okay and back to my old self."

    Loves.

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  5. Anonymous3:51 PM

    I'm going to confess a little something, which is why I'm going anonymous.

    Everyone has something like this in their life. Something that didn't work out the way they wanted. For some, it's not so big as your thing, and for others, it's just not right now.

    But for me, it's my marriage. I know exactly how you feel when you say someone else's good news makes you cry. Because when someone raves about how their husband cleaned the whole how, told them they looked beautiful, did everything in his power to make them feel loved, it makes me want to throw the computer. Because that was supposed to be me. Instead, I'm the woman who doesn't talk much about marriage. Who can't give anyone else good advice, when I am so desperately craving some for myself.

    So, for the haters out there who just don't get it yet, or don't see the parallels in their own lives, ignore them. Everyone has the right to have a bad day.

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  6. You are entitled to all of the bad days you need.

    Sometimes people are so thoughtless. It boggles the mind, really.

    I don't know why people can't understand that it isn't a matter of gratitude. Of course you are grateful. Gratitude has nothing to do with the pain of not being able to choose for yourself about how many children you desire to have.

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  7. You're allowed to have bad days. Anyone who would deny you that based on the number of children you already have is simply thinking of themselves, or their friend, or whathaveyou, and completely removed from that fact that wanting more doesn't equate directly with not liking what you have.

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  8. Did someone say that to you? That you seemed ungrateful?! Because, you are right... we all have bad days and we're allowed that.

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  9. Screw people who tell you to appreciate what you have!!

    You are ABSOLUTELY allowed to have a bad day...and more than one at that!

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  10. "You want to name a child what? Maybe that's why you can't have kids."

    "When are you going to have a baby? You finally had one!? When are you going to have another baby?"

    "You're so lucky! You have so much time for yourself!"

    "One!? You only have one?"

    "I'm never going to have a girl!!! I only have 7 boys and I'll never get a girl! It's so unfair!"

    "You cant have babies?!? What's wrong with you?" *said loud enough for the whole store to hear.

    With the exception of the first phrase, I've heard all these countless times. (The first one, I only got once. But it was the most painful.)

    I'm a pretty horrible person because I don't go to baby showers and I don't hold newborns. People think I'm the ice queen. They probably figure I'm too unfeeling to have babies.

    They don't get it.

    You get it.

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  11. People can be horrid. I only have one child. Not by my choice. I always wanted more.still do, but can not. The little one I have should have been #6.

    It is okay to have a bad day, it does not mean you don't like or are not grateful for what you have. It amazes me that when it comes to having children, stangers feel entitled to question/lecture you things that are really none of their business.

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  12. You're Good Enough. You're Smart Enough and Doggoneit, People Like You.

    Screw the haters.

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  13. I love this blog. It says so much with so few words. You inspire me.

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