February 26, 2010

No really, I get it.

There's been a lot of talk going on in the blog world lately about miscarriages and women's fertility.

The thing of it is, I get it. I do.

But there's so much more to it that that. There's so much more to women's health than her ability to successfully create and carry a child to term.

Because some of us have issues that don't necessarily fit into that nice little box with the label "infertile".

Take me, for example.

I'm infertile.

But not in the "trying to conceive" sort of a sense.

On the other hand, I'm NOT infertile, because, hello young children.

It's incredibly awkward for me to explain what I'm feeling, and I know no matter what I say, I'M WRONG.

I'm wrong because I don't know what it's like to want a baby that badly.

I'm wrong because I don't know what it's like to lose a baby.

I'm wrong because I just couldn't possible understand why she's feeling what she's feeling, and she doesn't need my pity or my misunderstanding.

Let me be the first to tell you, YOU'RE wrong.

I do understand how it feels to want a baby that badly. To want to be able to carry YOUR OWN CHILD, inside of your body, safely, and fully.

I do understand what it's like to lose a baby. Yes, I have four kids...

But there was supposed to be five.

I'm not asking for you to understand how I feel, because I know it's not the same. But it's not so very different either.

The loss of a baby, any baby, whether it's your first, or your fifth, is devastating.

Even now, a year after having my cervix and uterus removed from my body, I still go into the bathroom expecting to see blood.

And while I know this, it doesn't change the habit.

It doesn't stop me from wondering what if.

Logically, I know that my child bearing years are over.

I can laugh about it, joke about it, pretend it doesn't bother me.

But sometimes, late at night, when I'm all alone, it still hurts.

My throat catches, the tears fall.

There's no explaining why.

I like to think it's because I'm a woman.


  1. I agree. You are probably feeling all these things regarding fertility because you are a woman. *sigh* we are complex.
    Not like men, men are ALOT more simpler than women.
    Hang in there, and shedding tears from time to time is healthy, we just got to make sure those tear ducts are working properly. Mine are working quite nicely, thank you, cause I have shed some tears over some things too. not fertility like you but other things.
    Take comfort right now that God is there for you, K?
    Can't WAIT until CBC. I'll have the money to pay for it soon.

  2. yup I know your pain I have 5 kids and I have miscarried too and I even had my last kid who was supposed to be a twin and then wasn't anymore so I know your pain it slowly goes away not completely but slowly gets a little easier so smile knowing you are loved and think about the 4 you got to keep that's what I do /have to do to get through.

  3. Don't you think women tend to judge each other harshly? Everyone is just trying to make it through as best they can, and we'd do so much better if we'd just have compassion for one another. We can't know the depths of another's despair, and the truth is that some are more affected by circumstances than others, which is why kindness and sensitivity are so important. Oftentimes, you can't tell who is suffering the most just by looking at them.

  4. Everything you wrote is the exact way that I feel. Yes, I have 2 healthy children, but I too have suffered a loss. Not to mention that I want another baby so badly, but I can't. You are an amazing woman and it is so nice to know that other woman feel the same way that I do. Thank you for being honest.

  5. This is exactly what I needed today....not knowing why...but it has helped me deal with some emotions that have been plaguing me...I need to be more thankful for the 4 wonderful children I have...and not question why the other 6 were lost....I know they are waiting for me and cheering me on....

  6. We're due with our 3rd in April but my husband and I both know we are supposed to have one more. Not that I like babies, so to speak, and I crave babies, but we know that we're supposed to be 6. Not 5, not 7. Six. I totally identify with knowing about that one more. While I have no reason to believe we won't make it to our 4th, the thought of our family being cut short for whatever reason brings to the surface all of the feelings you are talking about.

    I've had 3 miscarriages and the last was after I'd already had my first child. People didn't want to hear about my loss; I had a kid and should be content. I think you've voiced what many women with children aren't allowed or supposed to say. Those feelings are real and should be acknowledged. Thanks.

  7. Yeah, no one takes the woman who had 4 kids in 5 years serious when they say, "I'm sad that I'll never have a baby again." And most people just laugh if you say it, thinking you're such a jokester. It's not very funny though. (We wanted 5 kids too.)

  8. Yay!! I can comment! I've loved your posts so much. And once again, I love this post. Here I am...catching those tears. I can feel every one.

  9. I can't really add anything...Just thanks for writing this.

  10. I've never been in the "infertile" category either but I do have some level of understanding for you and those pegged "infertile" by their docs. M/C are horrible and hard and I think we as women need to be more open about this. It's so taboo to talk of. I loved your post!!!

  11. Thank you for your honesty.

    Even though many of us may go through the same experiences, we can never truly say "I know how you feel."

    Your grief, your mourning, and your hopes and dreams for your family are unique to you and to your situation.

    I can say this: I am so sorry for your loss, in whatever form it came.

  12. I know I already told you this but I love this post so, very, very much.

    I want my 5th baby...too bad my husband refuses to impregnate me.

  13. Hey, thanks for posting this. I have a hard time because my first pregnancy caused a hole to form in my heart, so if I had any more I would die. I still have my uterus, so every time I get my period it's like feeling that grief and sadness all over again. Yeah, I have one little boy and yeah he is crazy, but I wanted another. And mourning the loss of your future child is hard and scary and painful and lonely too - too many don't understand that.