I've been staring at my computer screen for an hour. I have so many thoughts, that I actually have none. No coherent ramblings to share, no funny insights....
I'm in a funk.
And I'm going to be speaking in church soon. I have a few more weeks to prepare, but the topic, well, ugh. I just don't know how to go about it.
I'm going to be speaking about caring for the poor and needy. Except that I'm riding the line on that one. (Isn't everyone, I mean, do you live in some wonderful time warp where everything is sunshine and roses and the DOW hasn't dropped another billion points? And if you do, where IS that exactly and how do I get a ticket? No seriously. Tell me.)
Anyways, sometimes I need help, sometimes I can give help. But I'm not so far gone one way of the other that I'm having a really difficult time explaining myself.
It also doesn't help that I'm a horrible public speaker. Horrible.
I get really nervous and start twitching, and I talk too fast. Which isn't at all helped by my accent. It also isn't helped by the fact that I have no shame nor tact. Generally, I do what I want and while it's okay when it only affects me and a few other people, I'm kinda worried about what the other members of my ward will think...
Like, what if I say something really terrible or make a horrible analogy about needs vs. wants vs. weird foot fetishes vs. something altogether inappropriate.
I mean, I have a hard time censoring myself. In fact, last month at a girl's night out group with some other gals from the area? I was all sorts of worried because I said TWO swear words; and they weren't even the "real" swear words. Because I'm telling you right now, that in my world, damn* and hell* are not curse words. And "dammit all to hell" is not a phrase that will be leaving my vocabulary anytime soon. (meanwhile, if you spell damn with an N, then why is dammit N-less? WHY? Also, WHY DO I CARE? Because I do. Care. About spelling and all. Dammit!)
So I have to speak for about 20 minutes. No big deal. But of that 20 minutes, how much should be about ME and MY FAMILY and INTRODUCING US to the congregation, and how much should be actual, like, DOCTRINE?
I should also mention that every time I think about my subject, I keep thinking back to the 3+ years I spent on bedrest and how I was on the receiving end of the whole caring for the poor and needy thing. I mean, honestly, I can't tell if it's divine intervention, or if it's massive amounts of EGO.
*Do you think those are bad words? they use 'em in the Bible**
**Sweet Justification, no?