October 23, 2018




Incredibly, frustratingly, exceedingly difficult. 

It's been hard for awhile now, which is why I haven't really been around much. I mean, the kids are getting bigger... and older...and having bigger, older kid problems. It's actually been really, really hard. We have had a lot of sleepless nights around here. And I feel responsible for the problems... like, it's my fault that there are problems in the first place, because my brain doesn't work, and I irresponsibly passed that on to my kids. 

My three older kids have all been diagnosed with mental illnesses... depression, mostly, with a sprinkle of ADD in one, and a dash of a crippling social anxiety in another. Lots of BIG TALKS around here about cutting, and other means of self-harm, and suicide, and drug overdosing, and emotions, and thoughts, and feelings, and on, and on, and on, and on. 

Frankly? I'm so friggin' exhausted. 

I really miss the days when our biggest problem was a missing toy, or an imaginary friend. 

We have SO many new rules. We  have SO many new internet filters. We have safety plans, and counselors, and medications, and side effects of medications, and teen angst, and hormones, and oh-so-many questions with no answers. 

Today I was able to get TWO children to school successfully. I guess it would actually be three, since Blayne is now being home-schooled. And the fourth MIGHT have to start down the home-school path, but we're still not really sure, and we have to go and talk to another counselor first. 

I am SO sick of talking. No lie, the only time I have to myself is a 7-10 minute car ride after the morning school drop off. I CRAVE alone time.

Troy, of course, is at a loss of what to do. Who can blame him? There's not a clear path when you're navigating through different brain chemistry's. And his usual, playful teasing is hurting people's feelings instead, so he doesn't want to talk to kids, because then everybody gets all upset, and TEARS. SO. MANY. TEARS. 

So, that's the update. We are restructuring our ENTIRE EXISTENCE in order to be just a teeny-tiny bit more helpful to the people who live in our home. AND IT IS NOT GOING WELL. #JOYFULPARENTING 

And although I haven't been posting, rest assured, I am WRITING. IT. OUT. because that's what I need to do to process things. I just haven't, you know, made those things public... and I won't, dear children of mine that read my blog, so chill out. (that last sentence probably won't go over well with them... too bad, so sad.)