December 23, 2008

Christmas Letters

Dear Santa,

I'm sorry I didn't write this sooner, I know you're really really busy, what with Christmas in 2 days. The thing is, I've been pretty good. Scratch that, I've been downright SAINTLY. So, if you could oblige, I'd be forever grateful. Well, until next year anyways.

First off, I'd like for my husband's ears to work. For instance, he'll say I didn't tell him something, even though I KNOW I did... three times in fact. While you're at it, feel free to improve his brain function, especially the memory center.

I'd also like it if you could make him understand that teasing the kids is not that funny. It's a little funny, but honest to goodness, the MAN DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP.

Also, I'd appreciate it if he would call me by my name. Which is NOT "hunny bunnies" {shudder}

I'd like for Thaddeus to not be anxious. He's five now. I kinda think a five year old should maybe be able to, like, go to Sunday School by himself. Not that I don't enjoy being with kids. It's just that I'm with them all the time and I need to not be around them all the time. (P.S. Bathroom breaks don't count.)

I'd like Blayne to not scream. She screams. A lot. A very VERY lot. It's a high pitched shriek that would kill me dead if I wasn't so used to it. The first time I heard that sound coming out of her mouth, I was sure she'd stabbed herself with a fork. Unfortunately, she had only been looked at.

Daniel's all set, thankyouverymuch. The potty training thing you did for me was heavenly.

Taylor's pretty good too. You know, unless you feel like magically making her use the toilet. It's totally up to you though.

Me? Oh, I don't really want anything.... maybe a nap. Mostly I'd just like to be able to reclaim myself this year and not be dependent on so many drugs and stuff.

Oh, and could you tell the radio to stop playing horrible horrible Christmas songs? I mean, "Last Christmas" by Wham? TOTALLY LAME. "Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special!"

Hello! IT'S BEEN A YEAR. GET OVER IT. Sheesh. No wonder she left you, you pussy. In fact, I give her mad props for putting up with your sorry butt through Christmas. I'm thinking she did it for the GIFT. But maybe you didn't get her one, which would just be another good reason to have left you in the dust. DIE! DIE! evil Christmas song DIE!


So, umm, I think that's it. If I forgot anything, I'll be sure to call your wife.


P.S. You totally don't need to check if I'm on the nice list. I made it. Saintly, 'member?