June 2, 2010

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Of all the things I took away from this past weekend, the realization that I haven't been completely honest with myself is number one.

I spoke on a panel, Writing Through the Pain. And when I say "spoke", of course, I mean I sobbed my way through.

The thing is, I thought I was "over it". I thought I was okay with the fact that an essential part of who I am was cut out of me. Sure, I signed the papers, but when you're at the point where your options are to A) slowly bleed to death while your infected uterus leaks poison into the rest of your system kills you dead, or B) have some surgery, most of us would gladly pick the second option.

It's hard because I didn't realize how much of myself was wrapped into that half-a-pound, bloody, mean, and nasty little organ. It's like my womanhood was stolen.

Of course, NOW that I am back home, safely hidden behind a screen, NOW I can talk about it. Because I don't have to say the words out loud. I don't have to look you in the eye and admit how ashamed I feel over this. How much I try to make myself believe that it's not my fault.

Isn't it funny how even though you KNOW something isn't your fault, you still have to work to convince yourself that it's true?

I can't begin to describe what I'm feeling NOW without the beginning.

So it's been decided...

Tomorrow, I shall begin at the beginning.

Wherever that may be.

15 comments:

  1. you were one of my favorites!

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  2. The tears were completely accepted by the room, just so you know. We understood. I mean, as much as we who have not experienced a hysterectomy at a young age can understand anyway.

    I remember way back when you wrote about your experience on MissAdventures....is that what it's called? Anyway, that post really resonated with me and I hurt with you then and on Saturday. I just wish I could fix it.

    Anyway, thank you again for all your hard work! CBC was great. I had such a good time. Thank you.

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  3. In a way I understand the part having to work to convince yourself that something isn't your fault.

    I struggle to forgive myself for getting preeclampsia. I feel such trememdous guilt for what it has put my baby through because he was born prematurely.

    I am so sorry for your loss. Feeling like your womanhood was stolen has to be crushing.

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  4. I'm glad I got to tell you how much I appreciate you being brave enough to share how you feel about this. I really, really meant it. I hope that the journey you have ahead of you is one that takes you to happy, healing places...

    What I didn't tell you when I met you in real life is that you have awesome hair. So I'll tell you now. You do. :)

    AND... haven't said thank you for all you did for the conference. It was a remarkable event. So, THANK YOU!

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  5. Being honest like that is cathartic for the listeners as much as the speaker. Thanks for sharing some of that.

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  6. Writing is very therapeutic. I hope sharing your story helps you heal.

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  7. so glad to have the story on its way.

    btw, after taking my paint to the store yesterday and having them add some black, and then painting some spots all over the walls to test the new color... this morning i woke up LOVING the old color.

    so now i have to buy some little samples of the "old color" to cover the splotches of the "new color" that i did last night.

    i am nuts.

    see you tonight.

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  8. I think I was about 15 (and I'm the youngest sibling) when my mom had to have a hysterectomy. I still remember her saying that she felt like less of a woman that something was missing and I am rather certain she wasn't planning on mothering any more children. Yet it was hard to give up that small organ.

    I can't even imagine how it must feel for you a young mother to have to go through. But there should be no embarrassment or shame. You are amazing and strong. I hope you remember that.

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  9. I wish I'd been there, but I went to another class.

    I can't begin to imagine what you've been through, or to even compare what I've been through to your trials, because I haven't had a hysterectomy, but being told that getting pregnant again would seriously endanger my life feel like being slapped in the face.

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  10. I feel kinda dumb for just starting to read you now. I've done that with a couple of blogs -- started read right when they're going through (or documenting) hard things. I don't know. Maybe that's just how life is. Hard things happen all the time.

    Though I just discovered that I had subscribed to you long ago through bloglines, but had the wrong default or something. So it's bloglines fault that I haven't been a reader till now. Boo.

    In any case, I am selfishly very excited to know you better throughout this. I think you're awesome for being willing to share. I have hard things that I'm not willing to share yet (mostly because I don't want family members to know) so this might inspire me.

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  11. This:

    Isn't it funny how even though you KNOW something isn't your fault, you still have to work to convince yourself that it's true?

    I TOTALLY get that. I face that every. single. day. We just pull ourselves up and take that step forward, step by step and day by day. I hope for you (and me) that Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow is better than today.

    Hugs friend!

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  12. This will be better. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to sit in that class and not bawl too. So now I can read and bawl, and no one has to watch my mascara run down my face or turn that horrendous blotchy red that always happens when I cry. Geez, I'm totally thinking about myself today. Hopefully writing it is better for you too. I'm excited...wrong word......how about -looking forward to- reading it all from the beginning.

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  13. 31 day cycles?! Oh girl, I am so sorry. I hope sharing your story helps you heal. I'm sure it will do more than that - it will help others that are in similar situations.

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  14. I am so sorry for your loss. Feeling like your womanhood was stolen has to be crushing.
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