June 13, 2010

The #1 Reason You Should Have Kids.

My children think I might be a vampire.

It all started because I was drinking cranberry juice at dinner.

"What is THAT?" Blayne asked.

"It's BLOOD," DadGuy answered before I even processed the question.

"No it's not Dad. That's gross."

"Yeah it is gross.... But it's blood, because your mom is a vampire."

I sat back, amused, as DadGuy furthered his argument.

"Have you ever seen Mom sleep? SHE DOESN'T. And she doesn't have a reflection in the mirror."

The shortlings eyed me warily.

"Mom, why don't you sleep at the night time?"

DadGuy and I locked eyes, "I don't know. I never really have."

You see, a long time ago, DadGuy and I decided that one of the perks to having children is that you can screw with them to your hearts content, so long as it's not mean. A sense of humor is not born in you, it's developed over time.

"Is that really blood?"

I picked up my glass, and swirled it around. "Do you want to taste it and see?"

Four sets of eyes widened. "Not if it's really real blood!"

"But if you try it, you might like it."

DadGuy shifted in his chair as he delivered his final proof.

"Do you know why Mom drinks Dr. Pepper? It's because it has special medicine in it that makes her not act like a vampire all the time. That's why you can't drink her pop. Because then she'll have to kill you."

That was it, DadGuy was right. I had to be a vampire, and they had to be especially careful around me.

"Is that why when we're bleeding you have clean it up, Mom?  Dad doesn't like when we're bleeding, but you don't care."

"Oh no, Dad doesn't clean up when you're bleeding because he's a vampire too, and he might eat you."

My kids: they will be awesome.


  1. HAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! That is awesome!!!

  2. Loooooooove it!

    I'm really good with the initial story, but not so good with the follow through. I always cave and recant.

  3. You screw with you kids a lot. they are gonna be awesome grown ups.

  4. The worst is when you have a GOOD STORY and then someone else ruins it. I'm totally bummed my kids learned the truth about the ice cream truck. sigh.

  5. Hilarious! You and your husband are highly entertaining people.

  6. Brilliant! Fellow Dr. Pepper addict here. I need to use your reason why my kids can't have any of my precious soda!

  7. That is SO awesome!!

  8. I'm filing this away in my good ideas folder in my brain. Hilarious!

  9. This is great! I've done stuff like this too, I think of it as payback for all of the grocery store tantrums that I've had to endure.
    However, did you think about what's going to happen when your kids tell the neighbors/primary teachers/school teachers that their parents are vampires?
    Not that I've had anything like that happen around here......ahem.

  10. That is so fun. You gotta get laughs from somewhere.

  11. I love how you and DadGuy play off of each other...how you swirled your glass...the two of you are sinister...I love it.

    I have a friend that whose husband told her kids that their grandparents were aliens. They were concerned.

  12. Do you know Edward? Cause I totally want his autograph.

  13. Do you sparkle?

    I loved your husband's reasoning.

  14. And your kids never wondered WHERE that blood came from? If Dr Pepper has vampire medicine in it, then what is Diet Coke good for? Werewolf? Wizard? Dragon Slayer? Fairy? Unicorn?

    I try to make up stories like this to my kids at least on a weekly basis. Except now they never believe anything I say.

  15. I love this!!!

    Perfect explanation for why you drink Dr. Pepper.