April 25, 2010

Bubbles

I remember when I used to write.

I couldn't sleep if I didn't set down all my thoughts to paper.

I have journals full of notes, and drawings, and sketches.

Hundreds of pages of my hopes and dreams.

Things that were haunting me.

Things that I needed to work out.

I've never really treated blogging the way I would a paper journal.

To say that I use a filter would be an understatement.

I think about what I have to say.

Think about what my readers would have to say.

Think about what my grandma would have to say.

Then I begin to edit.

You see, as much as I share with you here,

It is just a persona.

I have private matters that I just won't discuss.

Things I've done,

Or said,

Or wished,

That I was just not comfortable enough to share....

That whole line, "It's not you, it's me,"

Really does come into play.

Because it's NOT you.

It's me.

Thoughts, that I would never share with you.

Thoughts that I won't even share with my husband.

Or my mother...

Because the recesses of my mind are my safe place.

I think there's a lot to be said for not sharing every minute detail of my life.

Filters.

Walls.

Boundaries.

I think we all have them.

Of course, every body has different boundaries, and that's when the internet can get cliquey.

You only want to over share with someone who over shares the same exact details you do.

You don't want to read something that would make you uncomfortable,

So you live in a nice little blog bubble,

And you get worried every time someone walks by with a needle.

Well guess what,

There's a hell of a lot of needles.

In one month,

I will be outside of my comfort zone.

It's no secret that I've had some pretty major health issues.

I mean, it's not like everybody gets to have a total abdominal hysterectomy when they're just 26.

The rug that is my life,

Got pulled from beneath my feet.

And I fell...

I fell hard.

In one month, 

In exactly thirty three days,

I will get up before you, and talk about what it felt like.

What my heart tells me each time I smell a newborn baby.

How my throat constricts when I think about the life I thought I should be leading. 

My voice will get caught in my throat,

And I will quietly step outside of my comfort zone.

And it will be okay,

Because I will be with you.

And I am counting on you to envelope me in your bubble.

(Figuratively of course, I'm not really that in to hugs.)

9 comments:

  1. I love reading you blogs! Some of it reminds me of me! I too think I have a filter when I blog and write on FB. I too am not into hugs. lol and I too think that I freak out when people will read my blog and think something about me I don't want them too. I have 5 kids and have miscarried 4 times each one was a bit longer into the pregnancy and the last was at 20 weeks so I know what loss feels like I just dont know what it feels like to lose your whole uterus and not be done having kids. I was done at 4 and still had one more (We had not touched each other in at least 2 weeks and still got pregnant some how) I was very depressed after my last miscarriage and DID NOT want to be pregnant. So I even went to a Planned Parenthood to just end it all and when they told me it was twins I freaked out even more and couldn't go through with it. But even after that I lost yet another baby and it was no longer twins. So I got even more mad and was even more depressed. I was so far gone that to the day he was born I didnt want him. (I cant imagine not having him now but still I remember every day waking up thinking I hate this baby) I dont actually "know" you but I know you as a blogger friend and when I read your blogs I love them and feel for you. I hope that someday you can feel good about you life and not have regrets about not having more kids. Some how it will work out for you. And I believe that in the after life you will be able to have all the kids that you want. =)

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  2. I am a bit of an over sharer...but, interestingly enough, I am not much of a hugger.

    I wish I could go...I would LOVE to hear you speak.

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  3. Oh Mombabe, I had no idea. Sorry.
    You're going to do great. No worries.
    Cause' your awesome like that.

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  4. This post? This post is why I think you are completely awesome. And why I am really looking forward to meeting you. In one month.

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  5. I can't wait to share the bubble with you.

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  6. Ooo Mombabe. I like you. I like how you say it. I like how you don't say it. I think you're pretty cool. And I don't have any of the right words for what your post was really about, but I sure hope the best for you. Because you deserve it, you cool lady you.

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  7. Wow. Raw. Loves to you. Thank you for sharing.

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  8. In one month. It's coming quick isn't it? Me and MANY others will be sending support vibes across the room to you. Looking forward to a great weekend...

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  9. You will have my support and love if nothing else. When I tried a few times to talk about what it was like for me to lose my fertility at 28 right along with the death of my last baby, I got zero responses on my blog. None.
    I know that you know what it feels like to have this emptiness inside, and I know that you know how my heart wrenches and I can't breathe when someone announces a pregnancy or brings their new baby to church for the first time. I don't know anyone else like me, and I don't know you in real life, but am grateful that you are giving a voice to how hard this trial is. I know you will do wonderfully! I wish I could be there.

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