October 2, 2010

A Shift in Dynamic

You know how sometimes, you shouldn’t talk about something, but BECAUSE you shouldn’t talk about it, that’s ALL you want to talk about?

That’s exactly where I am.

Which, to me, means A) I have a VALID and LEGIT reason to be angry. and B) well that’s pretty much it.

I wouldn’t characterize myself as a person who holds grudges.

I’m not malicious, or mean-spirited. I’m not a gossip, and I try not to say anything that I wouldn’t say to someone’s face.

When I get pushed to my wit’s end, I remove myself from the situation. It’s not an emotional response, because there is no emotion left. Why waste it on something that is so clearly NOT working? 

I won’t go out of my way to avoid people, or situations, because I genuinely do not have an issue. In my mind, everything has been resolved, and whether or not there was an apology is of no concern, because at this point, apologies just don’t matter, they won’t change anything.

I am too old to deal with this crap.

And the last two weeks or so? Complete and total rubbish.

And I keep hoping that I will have a change of heart.

Or that I’ll start to feel silly for feeling the way I do.

But it’s been two weeks,

And I’m realizing that this “incident”

Has completely changed the whole dynamic of my life.

Because in that moment, I had clarity.

And for the first time in my life, I saw how YOU thought things were, and OH.

HOW YOU ARE MISTAKEN.

You mistook my silence for complacency.

And you mistook my tentative smile for encouragement.

From this point onward, the game has changed.

My filter is off, I will not apologize, and the very little amount of respect I had for you, is gone.

You no longer have any power here.

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