January 30, 2009

The Problem with Split Level Homes

The MAIN problem is right there in the title.


Levels are the natural enemy of any mother. Sure, in the beginning, you think it'll be fine.... You'll look forward to the prospect of getting a few extra exercise minutes thrown into your day because, hey, who doesn't need a tighter backend?

But the novelty wears off the first time more than 2 people are sick at the same time. Which, if you have children, is ALWAYS. Because no single person ever gets sick without spreading something, oh no, they have to lick each other in the eye to maximize the germ infestation.

And thus, the fun begins.

Because while child A is on the upper level having bowel issues, child B is downstairs brushing his teeth.

Now, for a normal person, brushing your teeth wouldn't be dangerous. But child B is two. And as such, he has decided to use the stopper in the sink and turn both faucets all the way up and Mother (single) cannot for the life of her hear this because she is in the bathroom with child A trying not to breathe.

After she finishes up with child A, she realizes that she hasn't heard from child B in the last 5 minutes.

And as she traipses down the stairs to find child B, and discovers what child B has been up to, she has to go back upstairs to fetch the mop and some towels. Then she has to go back down the stairs to clean up the flood. And one mustn't forget that children get wet in floods, and so do their clothes, so Mother just won herself another load of laundry.


Amidst the mopping, child C awakes from a nap. Child C decides she is hungry and wants a snack. Child C has also learned how to open doors and refrigerators.

This results in 1 empty goldfish box, 1 empty nilla wafer box (economy size), 1 empty tub of raisins, and another box that used to contain graham crackers, and some ketchup.

But Mother, sweet, kind, unsuspecting Mother, doesn't hear the goings on because she has now moved to the laundry area to launder. (and she says a silent prayer of thanks for the sanitize setting on the washer)

But child A, child B, and child D DO hear the chaos in the kitchen and go to investigate..... That is four sets of legs..... Eight feet...... Forty little toes which are having so much fun stomping upon the fishies, and the wafers, and the raisins.

Mother climbs up the stairs and happens upon the kitchen.

Mother screams.

Mother scolds.

Mother sets children in front of television and hopes that they will just set for the next five minutes.

Mother then gets to sweeping.

After all this is done, Mother is pooped, and sets on the couch as well.

Mother falls asleep because Mother has been up since the crack of dawn.

Children A, B, C, and D disperse and continue on in their havoc....

And THAT, my friends, is the problem with split level homes.